Welcome to the first episode of our new series on the Un-Wedding Podcast, The Drama Dynasty. A group of personas and stereotypes that you may need to navigate in today’s wedding world. In this episode, we introduce Perfection Peyton, also known as a Bridezilla. We’re going to dig into why anyone can be a Perfection Peyton and figure out that all-important line between knowing and asking for what you want, and being a “Zilla”, as well as discuss the problematic weaponization of this word in today’s society. We’ll then wrap it up with some tips on how to manage this persona, both in yourself and others so you can come out on the other side of your wedding with your relationships intact.
Learn more about us and our movement: https://unweddingmovement.com
Sydney Spidell 0:11
Welcome to the Un-Wedding Podcast. I'm Sydney and I'm Corina, we're two neurodiverse wedding planners who are committed to empowering nearlyweds to throw out the wedding rulebook, shrink their guest list and create a meaningful, purposeful wedding experience. We're taking the wedding industry by storm and disrupting the status quo. We're The Un-Wedding Planners and we invite you to join our movement.
Corina Waldie 0:33
We record our podcast from Treaty Six Territory, a traditional gathering place for diverse Indigenous peoples including the Cree, Blackfoot, Metis, Nakota Sioux, Iroquois, Dene, Ojibwe, Saulteaux, Anishinaabe, Inuit, and many others, whose histories, languages and cultures continue to influence our vibrant community.
Welcome to the first episode in our new series on the Un-Wedding Podcast. We're going to be talking about The Drama Dynasty, a group of personas and stereotypes that you may need to navigate in the wedding world. Today, let us introduce you to Perfection Peyton. You may have heard of this person described as a Bridezilla. So let's dig into why anyone can be a Perfection Peyton, figuring out that all-important line between knowing what you want and being a "Zilla," as well as the problematic weaponization of this word. We'll then finish up with some tried and true tips on managing this persona both in yourself and in others so you can come out on the other side of wedding planning with your partner, friends, and family relationships intact.
Sydney Spidell 1:40
So Perfection Peyton, commonly seen as and referred to as the Bridezilla - which is an idea that I don't love
Corina Waldie 1:53
I absolutely loath the idea. It's such a terrible word. It has terrible connotations and our society has really turned it into this horrific thing that you never want to be when planning a wedding.
Sydney Spidell 2:08
Yeah, and it sucks. It's so especially when you say and that's why we wanted to call this person Perfection Peyton right? It's not just brides, who are going to embody these characteristics. We wanted to make sure that it just represents all people who might, you know, enact these things. But Bridezilla is very specific in people's minds. And I think that it's a fun term. First of all right? It has good, it's good wordplay. It sounds great. You know, if you're writing a movie - we've all seen Bride Wars. You know, if you're, if you're trying to come up with a catchy headline, all of these things, it's so easy to find a villain in the bride. And it's so messed up because like, you can either be the perfect, reserved, shy bride who's willing to just go with the flow and make everyone happy or you're the Bridezilla? Yeah, there are these two extremes.
Unknown Speaker 3:16
It's two extremes. And there it's painted in such a negative light overall that, you know, I know for most people, like as soon as you or anybody that's been called bridezilla, for the most part, they're not being a bridezilla at all.
Sydney Spidell 3:31
Yeah, they are. What is a bridezilla to you? What do you imagine?
Corina Waldie 3:34
You know, I come from the perspective of being a wedding planner, I see a Bridezilla as somebody who, you know, they have typically too many and unrealistic expectations, they're not taking into consideration their relationships. Over the long term, they put their entire 100% focus into the wedding, and everything else becomes secondary to that. And when that happens, you know, that's when you really see these problematic dynamics, you know, at least in terms of the media definition,
Sydney Spidell 4:05
or this expectation of having somebody who, you know, expects magic, you expect this magical result, and they're not willing to put in the effort and whether that is physical effort or a monetary contribution.
Corina Waldie 4:19
Sydney Spidell 4:20
You know, they're not willing to put up their side of things. And yeah, and we get this vision of like, demanding and, you know, uncompromising and unfeeling to within all of that.
Corina Waldie 4:34
Yeah, they just sort of come in and they roll into town, like some sort of Disney villain and just, you know, destroy everything in their path. And that's...
Sydney Spidell 4:42
It's not everybody who gets called a Bridezilla who doesn't do those things.
Corina Waldie 4:46
Sydney Spidell 4:47
Have you ever been called a Bridezilla?
Corina Waldie 4:48
Actually, I have. So you know, as I mentioned in our last episode, I am married and had a wedding about 10 years ago. And way back when, ao my mom was actually the one who continually called me a Bridezilla, and it started very early on in the process. So to be clear, my parents were very insistent that my husband and I have a large wedding, a large family, they wanted everybody included. And so yeah, a large wedding it was. And a few weeks after I got engaged, my mom took me, she's an interior decorator and took me to some of these wholesalers that she had in her network, and you know, started pointing out things, we could do this, we could do that. And as I'm looking at all of these different items, and number, you know, numbers attached to these items, my brain started going into, like, immediate overwhelm. Like, how the heck are we supposed to pay for all of this?
Sydney Spidell 5:42
These dollar signs flashing.
Corina Waldie 5:44
Exactly. It was terrible. Like, I was just like, I can't even enjoy this because all I'm thinking about right now is the money. And then on the way back from that specific trip, we ended up actually getting into the first of many arguments. And all I had said was, you know, Mom, I really think we need to keep a budget, we need to have put something in place, something in check, to keep us in check throughout this. And this turned into a huge, massive argument, I'll go into other times. But it really set us up for this dynamic of, you know, if she didn't get what she wanted, she called me a Bridezilla throughout the entire process, and it was it was very dehumanizing. And it was not nice to be called that.
Sydney Spidell 5:44
Makes you guess yourself too, right? Because there are all those pressures. And they're all are all these societal and media presentations of what that is. So if you're being called that there's a part of you that's going to go, I mean, assuming you're a reasonable human, a part of you is going to go, "Am I affecting my loved ones negatively? Am I making choices that are, you know, completely railroading other people's opinions, thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, desires, etc.?" And I mean, like, again, we talked about that whole guilt and shame that gets carried around in this process. And why is it there? Why is it necessary? Like you, you shouldn't have to feel that way, when going through the planning of your wedding.
Corina Waldie 7:07
No, and especially when a wedding is supposed to be this thing that you're supposed to, you know, be so beautiful, you know, you'll be at your best self and have this beautiful, joyful, super happy day. But yet, you know, for so many people, we just end up kind of being like, I just got to get to the end of this day, like, I just want to get through this. So I can move on with my life. And it becomes this huge, stressful, drama-filled thing that ends up making the entire process, which should be fun, very much not fun.
Sydney Spidell 7:35
Yeah. And like, I think the one thing that you should never have to think, say or anything, during the whole process of planning a wedding is, "I just can't wait for it to be over."
Corina Waldie 7:46
Yeah, that makes me so sad.
Sydney Spidell 7:47
There's something wrong happening.
Corina Waldie 7:49
There's something going very wrong sideways very, very
Sydney Spidell 7:53
You know, it was it's okay, we've all just gotten to the end of the day where we've had to, you know, go through work, and then work on planning other things. And that's stressful. And like, yeah, get it as an occasional complaint. But that should never be like your actual feelings should be wanting to get there. But not wanting to be past it.
Corina Waldie 8:08
Like, you should be excited for the day that you're getting to get married to your partner that is going to be you're going to be surrounded by your loved ones, you're gonna have lots of fun, you might party, you might dance, you have good food, whatever your wedding looks like for you. But you shouldn't be wishing for it to be over, because of all of the other dynamics that are going on. And that like I said, that's really sad.
Sydney Spidell 8:30
That's part of our movement, part of the Un-Wedding Movement,
Corina Waldie 8:32
Sydney Spidell 8:34
You're never going in with that mindset. So keeping things good, then free of that shame, free of that guilt, it's important, I think, for us to break down what is the difference between living up to these expectations because we talk about those things. You know, we talked about having those really high expectations and not wanting, wanting more than what you put in and putting relationships second. So, you know, it's important to notice how those manifests differently than being somebody who wants something and is deserving of something, it's your event that you're planning. If you are working on this, if you are hosting the celebration of love, then it does deserve to be something that reflects the love that you share. It does deserve to be something that reflects your relationship with that person, not something that, you know, is super over the top and perfect and will make everyone happy. Like you do deserve to be able to ask for what you want.
Corina Waldie 9:46
Yeah, absolutely. And I think there's a very important balance that needs to be drawn there. I think part of that comes out with just being realistic, and making sure that you're thinking about your expectations and keeping those expectations in check. Like, you know I 100% percent get it. Weddings are fucking expensive.Sydney Spidell:
So expensive.Corina Waldie:
Especially, you know, when you get into larger guest lists and you're needing to produce something hundreds of times over because each guest needs one. It really yeah, like I get it like it's a lot of money, we're talking about the cost of a car, we're talking about, you know, the down payment on a house, all of these things that we, you know, definitely have more of a long-lasting value than one day.Sydney Spidell:
But there's a lot of pressure there.Corina Waldie:
But there's so much pressure and to have that, yeah. However, I think keeping those expectations in check is one of the biggest ways to do it and thinking about, you know, what, what is it that I'm really asking for here? And am I being reasonable? And I think the best way to think about that is also remembering too that the people that you're working with, whether that's vendors, whether it's family, friends, wedding party, whoever, that these are people that have their own lives that have their own shit and stuff as well.Sydney Spidell:
Are you saying that people exist outside of me and my wedding Corina?Corina Waldie:
I very much am.Sydney Spidell:
Oh, my goodness, what a revelation. Yeah, having having a clear and realistic idea of what is going on? Absolutely. And, and I think too, this comes in at a point of like, why through the Un-Wedding Movement through knowing your purpose, right? And we do a lot of that purpose work and experience design work. Right at the beginning of that whole wedding planning process. I think I've said process a lot.Corina Waldie:
It's okaySydney Spidell:
Process. And having that language then that, you know, this is why I am doing this. This is the result I'm looking for. And I think one of the huge things that that helps with too, is getting people out of the dream world. Because we're you know, we're talking about Perfection Peyton, how can you be a perfectionist if you don't have something that you're holding yourself to? Right? Like, some sort of standard. So these are people who have such a clear vision in their mind, who have maybe been thinking about this for a really long time. Or maybe even only started thinking about it really recently. But there is this idea of what it should be, to be right, and this concept of like, if it's done wrong, then I've failed, or it's not going to be a good marriage or a good wedding. Or I will never stop hearing about it, or whatever the myriad of reasons is that you can like challenge yourself for needing something to be a certain way. But like one thing that we get to do, when we go to weddings, we're not emotionally attached to these people, not the same way that their friends and family are.Corina Waldie:
No, absolutely not.Sydney Spidell:
But we still enjoy weddings. You know, we enjoy that moment we talked about in that last episode, what is that moment? And what is that, that thing that really makes the wedding and makes this experience something. And, you know, if you're living in that dream world, if you're focused on that dream, if you're focused on that perfect outcome, you're gonna miss the perfect imperfection of your day. Not only the day but the actual planning process with your partner, the ability to talk about what you want, what your relationship is, what represents your relationship, all of those things are really cool discovery things that you get to do with another human being. And then you get to manifest that. And you and you get to share that with a bunch of other people. Who cares what your vision is, this is a shared thing. This is an experience for everybody. You want to be present, you know, you want to be awake,Corina Waldie:
You do and you don't want to be caught up in saying oh, you know, that could have been different or this could have been different or whatever and criticizing that so you know, I think like I said, keeping you know those expectations just realistic and not getting so caught up in what you know, wedding media shows you what you see in magazines, and Instagram and Pinterest and you know, just being super, super realistic and realism isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just saying okay, I have you know, especially when it comes to budget, we have this many dollars. So what can we achieve for this many dollars? You know, and if you have a limited budget saying you know, is figuring out what you value as part of that. Do you want to sacrifice decor elements to be able to include more people? Or do you want to be able to sacrifice you know, sacrifice people to have more decor elements or more experiential elements?Sydney Spidell:
Do a Food Truck to save on per meal price and go for that moment of fun and joy versus having a private chef prepare you a beautiful meal and you're going for the taste of everything very specifically in the experience of a meal. There are, there are so many different ways to do it. And it's just finding, okay, where are we putting our emphasis? Where are we putting our attention here, everything else can fill up the space to support that attention?Corina Waldie:
And furthermore, I think the other part of it that I consider and probably will be a future episode is thinking about etiquette, and how we get told that we need to do all of these things because of etiquette. But, you know, I think we can easily say, in modern society, etiquette is kind of pointless, you know, take with it, what you will take with a grain of salt, like, if it makes sense to you, if it makes sense to the experience makes sense to what it is that you're creating, go with it, but if it's not, okay. You know, as long as I think you're not outright insulting somebody or hurting somebody in any waySydney Spidell:
And what's the baseline of that, right, it's just like, you have to remember, you already mentioned it, you have to remember the humanity of these other people that are here. Nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do. They're going to care about it on the day, they're going to because they have to get a gift, they have to get dressed up, they have to go there, whatever. But nobody gives a shit about your entire two-year planning process. Other than yourself, your partner, and you know, whoever you choose to involve in that. And when you're choosing to involve those people, you also have to remember that they are not signing on to your love and your wedding and your marriage because they want to dedicate two years of their life to it. They are signing on because they want to support you in that dedication. So you have to remember, you know, jobs and families and prior commitments and people's fears and anxieties and freakin allergiesCorina Waldie:
You know, allergies, which kind of even goes into, you know, accessibility. Does somebody use a mobility device that needs to be accommodated? Also, keeping in check people's financial situation, because to even attend as a guest, nevermind being a member of the wedding party, if they have to travel or, you know, stay in a hotel or buy attire or a gift, you know, there should be no expectations of anything of your guests, as far as I'm concerned beyond, you know, showing up and dressing nicely and dressing appropriately for the event. But, you know, like, I have seen, you know, thinking about Reddit, in specific and some of the stories have seen in the past, or heard about through the grapevine. And, you know, I came across one not too long ago, where the couple was demanding that their guests pay certain amounts of money as their gift in order to attend so that they could have the dream wedding. And it was just like, "Excuse me? It's a gift, there should be no mandatory minimum to that. It should be what is realistic, and for some people, that's just their presence.Sydney Spidell:
I think people are misunderstanding the concept of what a gift is. Yeah, yeah, so many, so many expectations. And it's not necessarily like these couples faults in and of themselves, right. It's a society that has put so much pressure on this event has put so many expectations on how much to spend. And we're talking again, we talked about this in the last episode, we're gonna call out our own industry here, like we, we belong to an industry that profits greatly off of these expectations and telling people what they need to have, and how much they need to spend. And you know, you have one from a purely business, commoditization, and money perspective, your couples are generally one-time customers, but we all are going to go to a wedding at some point in our life. So setting up those expectations to make people spend money on other people's weddings. It's not about you guys, it's about your money.Corina Waldie:
Exactly. Like, you know, the wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar wedding industry for a reason. It's also an industry that the way it is today is actually relatively new, compared to what it was even 15, 20, 30 years,Sydney Spidell:
We have this association with so much tradition involved in those kinds of things. And it's like, I mean, a lot of these traditions are quite new,Corina Waldie:
They areSydney Spidell:
Changeable, and malleable. And, you know, like the wedding that your parents had, I can guarantee you is night and day from the kind of wedding you will have. You know, so I think, you know, kind of circling back there to just those expectations is taking really is taking that moment and being intentional and thinking about, Okay, why are we doing this? How's it going to affect the bottom line? How's it gonna affect other people? How's it going to affect us? How is it going to affect the experience? And asking yourself those tough questionsSydney Spidell:
If these humans are important enough to be invited to this moment in my life, then they are important enough to, for me to make sure I know enough about them to ensure their comfort.Corina Waldie:
Right? And that's not about making it their day, that's not about kowtowing to other people's opinions, wants, desires. Like absolutely stand your ground, be firm with the things that you want, it is your day. But it's your day that you're inviting humans to for a reason. You don't want to have the perfect day. And the only trade-off was that grandma's back problems got really, really bad.Corina Waldie:
Not worth it.Corina Waldie:
No, very much not worth it. Because at the end of the day, it is one day,Sydney Spidell:
And we talk about money a lot. We've talked about money a lot in this conversation. And I think it's really important to note the reason being that this Perfection Peyton, this negative interaction that we're talking about, this persona, having with literally anyone involved in the wedding planning process cannot exist if you have the money to throw at planning your eventCorina Waldie:
You can't railroad your wedding party, because you have enough money to hire a planner and a team to take that pressure off of them. You can't, you know, offend your family, because you have the money to cater to everyone's desires. You can't be stuck with somebody who can't afford to come to your wedding, because if you have the money to throw at it if you want them there, you're going to put that, that that fund in to make sure that they're present for it. You know, like we talk about money because these expectations are so tied to those things. And we talk about perfection because there's this idea of this is what it should be this is what I should have, this is what I deserve. But there isn't necessarily an association in the media, in all of these portrayals of brides of just how much every single aspect costs.Corina Waldie:
And the other element that of that, too, is depending on your own economic status, depending on you know, where you are at this stage in your life, because if you're planning a wedding at 20, while you're in university, versus in your, say, your early 30s, when you have an established career, you're likely going to have very different levels of resources. And if you know whether you just have to make sure... sorry, so the wedding that you would have at 20 years old without, you know, additional outside support from parents or whoever is likely going to need to be very different than the wedding that you might have at 30 years old, when you have the established career, when you have the income to do that.Sydney Spidell:
And just because it looks different, based on location-based on what vendors you get involved, whatever, doesn't mean, it's going to be an actually different experience, because theoretically, we're saying this is the same purpose behind each of these weddings. So you know, you're going to find a way to be like, Okay, if this is your purpose, we are going to make that purpose shine through with whatever money you have available, which also then just speaks to valuing expert knowledge valuing vendors and professionals within this industry, you are going to do this, probably once. We do this all the time. So if you go in with this perfection idea of what it's going to look like, and you say, give me this for less. And you're very, very focused on a particular outcome, you need to express the particular outcome to that vendor and allow them to use their expert knowledge to get you to that outcome. And it may not look like the direction you had in mind.Corina Waldie:
And the other thing that's super important is to remember that not everything needs to be a priority. So an exercise that I do with my clients very early on in the process is we actually go through each of the major categories, and outright ask them is this something that's important to you. So if they value having really, really good food and want to pay for a personal chef or want to pay for really high-quality catering, then we're going to allocate more money in their budget towards that thing. But if then they say to me, Well, I don't really care about flowers, or I hate flowers. Okay, well, we're going to knock that budget back down to as minimal as possible and only achieve the elements that you want. So I think you know, for yourself in that planning process, when you're thinking about the vision or thinking about the thing, is remembering that unless you have a big huge pile of money to throw at whatever it is that you want, you have to be willing to prioritize and make sacrifices to certain elements.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, and it's like it's hard work to expect this of people who already have expectations but if you're going into the wedding planning process, please do research and, and just look around and find what the going rates are for certain things. Get an idea of stuff, because likely you haven't looked into it before, and you're painting some number. And it could be very arbitrary. Or it could be from, you know, something that you heard from a friend who did this. But their reasoning behind things that people they work with the opportunities they have, everything could be so different than your situation, those numbers could look completely different for what you want.Corina Waldie:
And sort of as an aside, you know, to that is, you know, especially if you're on a stricter budget if you don't necessarily have those resources, and you see a vendor, who is offering you something that is drastically at a price that's drastically lower than somebody else, or the kind of the average or median is to actually be super, super aware of that, that that's likely a red flag. And I guess it's the whole, you get what you pay for, right? So also being aware there,Sydney Spidell:
There have to be concessions made to be able to make pricing things, your vendors also humans, have lives, have bills to pay, they're not making prices in order to rip you off. They're not putting a so-called wedding tax on things that we will talk about in the future, they are looking at their time, valuing their time, and like establishing what that is, but not just their time, the commitment to creating that expertise, which comes from years of learning and practice, the cost of supplies and materials like, things cost money. It's not just that you're paying for labour, it's not just that you're paying for the thing you're paying for both. And valuing expert skill, you know, valuing the fact that if you, if you do cherish and value something, then you're going to want to cherish and value the maker of it, as well.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, you know, and your vendors are like you say, we're human, we've done a lot, we've been around the bush, we've done these hundreds of times, for many, some, some vendors depending on what their product is, or the services they can be doing, you know, have done a wedding hundreds, if not 1000s of times, is valuing that experience, that experience alone is worth something.Sydney Spidell:
And we've got a very like e-commerce perspective of how things work. Like I think sometimes we think that things work like those Amazon shops that are just some name, and nobody holds any inventory, they just have a shop to sell the information. We are invested in what we do, the vendors that we work with are invested in what we do, you know, you find professionals who align with you and your values, people who aren't going to cheat you and whatever, because of course, there are bad people out there. But you know, if you pick the right people, then you are going to get a result that is based on a love and a passion and a respect for what they do. And that's always going to look better. And again, something that you just made work.Corina Waldie:
And I can tell having been around the bush, so to speak in this industry, for now, going on over six years. You know, when as a person, as a couple, when you approach a vendor and start making demands, or become difficult to work with for whatever reason, I can promise you that, you know, we're not, you know, it's not like that whole adage, where you complain to the restaurant, and they're gonna go spit in your dish or something like that. But you know,Sydney Spidell:
There's not intentional disrespect, but if you disrespect people they're less likely to give you good service.Corina Waldie:
Exactly, where we're just going to say, okay, here's the thing. Yeah, this is what you wanted.Sydney Spidell:
Or say, No, thanks.Corina Waldie:
Or say no, thanks, you're not my client, one of the two. And you won't even necessarily get what you want, or get something better because, you know, I know a lot of the people that I work with, you know, we care a great deal about the product that we put out, we care a great deal about the service that we put out. And if you are you know, not respecting that, you know, that's going to make... Yeah, well, we'll still deliver on what we're contracted. But if you want any expectation of us going above and beyond. That's pretty questionable.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah. And I think to that expert knowledge sort of brings us back into Now obviously, that's not economically possible for everybody to go high end on things to get a planner involved to get certain additions present in their wedding planning process, right. But the bottom line of this all is like you can navigate this, just don't be a dick. Like, seriously, you can have wants, desires, you are entitled to them. If somebody is challenging you on that and telling you that you're not allowed to want things for your event, send them our way. Make them listen to this, there should be no one external of your partner who you are doing this with - please don't forget your partner’s opinions matter. There should be no one external of that, whose opinion matters more than yours. I mean, if like look to your purpose, if your purpose is to please your dying relative, then okay, maybe that's going to adjust a little bit, but you should also still make sure your partner wants your wedding to exist to please your dying relative as well, right. And I think like having that language from somebody, having especially a planner who understands purpose who understands these things, you're able to then develop stuff that you can then use, when you are getting caught up and all of your perfectionist ideas, when you are getting caught up in the vision that you have to be able to come to the people that are a part of your process and be like, okay, grounding myself, here's my purpose, this is what I'm seeing. And I'm getting really excited, not necessarily in a positive way about this. And I really need other people to understand how important this is to me, and help me figure out how to navigate this in a way that's going to make sense. And if your people around you aren't supporting you for that your planner can help. Be that sort of like middleman.Corina Waldie:
Oh, yeah, I'm 100% for being the bad guy. Yeah, if you need to blame me for something if you know, you have a person in your life who is being, you know, super, super insistent about something, and it doesn't align with the purpose of your event, I'm perfectly content to have you blame it on me because I'm going to move on with my life. As soon asSydney Spidell:
Yeah, and if your relationship succeeds beyond that, and you still got the event that you wanted, then hey, our job is done well, right. I yeah, I think too. Like, it all comes down to don't be a dick. So, I mean, if you are a dick, you know, you're probably going to struggle with this regardless, so sorry about your wedding. But for everybody else who, who really wants to make this a positive process. It's about that communication, it's about those boundaries, it's about having that purpose. You can, you are allowed to want what you want, you are allowed to want everything. But you also have to keep your feet on the ground as you're going through thisCorina Waldie:
100%. Now, just to sort of kind of flip this topic just a little bit, let's think about the other side. So if you are, say in a wedding party, or a parent or a friend of somebody who's planning their wedding, and you're starting to notice these extreme behaviours, you know, how can you best support that person? How can you know, especially if you're not close enough to them to be able to call them on their shit? Yeah, cuz I people that are close enough to me to call me on my shit. But if you're not that close, like, how can you manage that?Sydney Spidell:
And it's and it's a Yeah, it's a really interesting question, right? Because that closeness is important, too. I guess you'd say like, okay, if I'm in this wedding party, there's a chance that I'm close to someone. Right? So if it's not the Perfection Peyton, it might be their partner. And if you say, Hey, listen, these are the ways that I'm feeling going through this process. I don't know if I'm the right person to be a part of this because your partner wants someone who is engaged on all of these levels. And I just don't have it in me to provide that and I don't want to be that thing that comes in the way of you having your ideal wedding. So I'd like to take myself out of this or let you know what the things that that I need to establish my own boundaries, right boundaries. But of course, you don't want necessarily want to pull yourself out of a friend's wedding because somebody is railroading things. However, if you have an unreasonable person, it might not be worth it. Especially if you're in the wedding party, they're gonna cost a lot.Corina Waldie:
Yeah. And I think you know, it goes back to that no as a complete sentence, and if they have a problem with that, then the sad part is you need to question your relationship with that person. You know, if you need to say no, for whatever reason, they know it's okay to say no.Sydney Spidell:
I love you and I love that you're so involved in this and that you're so you have this clear vision for what you want, but I'm worried for the health of our relationship if I stay such an active part of this process. I'd I want to be there for you on that day. I'd love to attend. But I think that's the most I can contribute to this in this setting. Or, you know, even instead of it being about you be like hey, I've been noticing you've been having a lot of trouble with your father in law and you know, You guys had a pretty, pretty good relationship that you're building before this whole wedding planning process started. And now, things are really tense. And I just want to make sure that you're thinking about how that's going to continue after the wedding is over, or do you want support for how to make that relationship healthier right now, so that it can stay sustained healthier down the road, you know, drawing attention to somebodies impact on somebody outside of you can be a good thing too, because then you're able to align them align with them as an ally, rather than if you're saying like you are treating me like this sometimes, especially if they're this person, especially if they are already caught up in something. And this doesn't mean that they're this person all the time. Like, again, we recognize the wedding thing is such a huge pressure pot, you know, it's going to change who you are and how you interact with people. So if you're able to, you know, separate the Perfection Peyton wedding beast from this person, it's gonna be a lot easier to navigate that with them and allow them to separate their perfection ideals from their actual true desires, which I guarantee you are going to be different. Like, imagine you actually got everything so perfect, and the way that you dreamed it would feel fake?Corina Waldie:
It probably would. But yeah, no, I do think you know, there is also a very important distinction to draw that. You know, in terms of this term Bridezilla, for me, I think as a planner, the vast majority of people, if they're showing Bridezilla tendencies, it's not that they're entitled, it's not that they don't want to contribute. It's not that they want to, you know, all these things that we define,Sydney Spidell:
Is it that they're a woman expressing an opinion?Corina Waldie:
it could be that, but it could also just generally be remembering that you know, I feel that when people do tend to start to react or have these things, that is not really who they are, it's a reaction. And usually, that reaction is a lack of control in some way, there's usually some kind of external pressure that is causing them to react. So if you are experiencing this is help them to identify that and help them to figure out the best way to manage that external pressure so that they don't have to feel that they have to react in a negative way that somebody would then in turn call them a Bridezilla, you know.Sydney Spidell:
Because if you do have an explosive day, let's say you're in a wedding party, and you, I keep chinning this microphone, I'm sorry, everyone. You know, if you have this explosive day with your Perfection Peyton, and you're part of the wedding party, you can also be like, okay, this is a really great moment for me, I noticed your reaction, not saying your reaction was horrible. I noticed your reaction. And I want to check in because this wedding planning process can be so hard. Do you feel like you're getting, you know, moving in the direction that you thought you would be moving? Do you feel like you're getting the things that you want to feel like you've and understand why you're doing this anymore? And just, you know, help them ground themselves to because maybe, no one's tried that maybe everyone's jumping to using a term that is going to make anyone defensive?Corina Waldie:
Exactly. And also just remembering too that it's really a word, we should just, in general, stop using. Yeah, unless somebody for whatever reason, really deserves it. But stop using it as if they asked for it.Sydney Spidell:
They're like, hi can you call me a bridezilla then? Sure, whatever. But yeah, like just this, thisCorina Waldie:
You know, stop using it with such a negative connotation and stop using it as a weapon. Because that is how for me, I know how I tend to perceive it. When we do see the use of this word.Sydney Spidell:
We don't hear it. So like, I'm sure there are people that have called somebody a groomzilla. Like guaranteed it's out there. But when you see that that's somebody trying to like even the playing fields, we women are vilified for having desires and having wants and we have been for a really freaking long time. So it's super easy to just come down on somebody who is sticking up for what they want and especially in an industry that is so associated with women, is so associated with money and entitlement and so many other things. There's just this narrative that’s out there, we have to actively combat it and we have to say, you know, like I am the true having come from a bazillion years of working with kids I am a true believer of any bad behaviour is not a sign of a bad person, any bad behaviour is a sign of unmet need. So, like, just quit with the name-calling and work towards a solution. Be an adult.Corina Waldie:
And yeah, just kind of the other, you know,Sydney Spidell:
don't be a dick.Corina Waldie:
It also just occurred to me too that you know, even as a wedding planner, one of the questions I get asked the most as soon as I identify to somebody that I am a wedding planner, for whatever reason, whatever environment I'm in, "Oh, have you ever dealt with any bridezillas?" And I usually get my, you know, like we've been talking about, No, I don't believe generally that bridezillas exist. So if you're feeling that, remember that for you know, the vast majority of you, you are not a Bridezilla. Yeah, yeah.Sydney Spidell:
You can be a difficult client. Yes, you can be a bad consumer. You can. Don't be a dick. Yeah. No, you're fine. Right?Corina Waldie:
You're fine. All right. Well, that was Perfection Peyton, the first member of our drama dynasty, and we invite you to tune in next time where we're going to meet Checked-Out Charlie, featuring a guest appearance by my husband Jon. And I promise he's not being coerced into this.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, so you guys can all join the conversation on our Instagram and our TikTok and share with us your tips on supporting a Perfection Peyton if you are one if you know one. We'd love to connect with you and hear your thoughts on this topic. So until then, cheers.Corina Waldie:
You can find us on the internet at unweddingmovement.com or on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Pinterest @unweddingmovement. Our podcast episodes are released weekly and available wherever you like to stream.