Peyton vs. Charlie | The Drama Dynasty | The Un-Wedding Podcast

Corina Waldie 0:11

Welcome to the Un-Wedding Podcast. I'm Corina

Sydney Spidell 0:14

And I'm Sydney.

Corina Waldie 0:15

We're two neurodiverse wedding planners who are committed to empowering nearlyweds to throw out the wedding rulebook, shrink their guests lists and create a meaningful, purposeful wedding experience. We're taking the wedding industry by storm and disrupting the status quo. We're the Un-Wedding Planners and we invite you to join our movement.

Sydney Spidell 0:33

We record our podcast from Treaty Six Territory, a traditional gathering place for diverse Indigenous peoples, including the Cree, Blackfoot, Metis, Nakota Sioux, Iroquois, Dene, Ojibwe, Saulteaux, Anishinaabe, Inuit, and many others, whose histories, languages and cultures continue to influence our vibrant community.

Corina Waldie 0:58

Welcome to this week's episode on the Un-Wedding Podcast. Over the past several episodes, we have been going through each member of our drama dynasty, a group of personas and stereotypes that you may need to navigate in the wedding world. Today, we are excited to welcome back my husband Jonathan Waldie. Welcome back dear!

Jonathan Waldie 1:14

Hi Dear!

Sydney Spidell 1:16

On today's episode, we are going to wrap up the series by talking about how you together as a couple can plan your wedding as a team while still keeping the focus on your relationship and managing the drama dynasty so that you can come out of wedding planning, ready to start your marriage off on the right foot.

Corina Waldie 1:34

Yeah, well now for those of you who might be tuning into our episode here for the first time

Sydney Spidell 1:38

Welcome

Corina Waldie 1:39

and have not had an opportunity to know what the hell we're talking about when we say the drama dynasty, we have been talking about various personas throughout the time. So we're just going to start off by quickly going through them. So first one was Perfection Peyton.

Sydney Spidell 1:53

Perfection Peyton,

Corina Waldie 1:55

Also known as a Bridezilla,

Sydney Spidell 1:56

Let's get rid of that word people come on. Perfection Peyton, this person just feels the need to control every aspect of the wedding planning. And we talked about the reasons behind that being maybe they just have the wrong expectations and aren't aware of the way that things work in this industry. It also has a lot to do with just societal influences on people making them think that this is such a massive important thing that has to be done according to someone else's expectations. And also just that overwhelm can really bring people into that anxious space as well. But Perfection Peyton is somebody that just needs to keep a grip on reality, just like all of us, stick to that purpose and respect human beings and everything will be okay.

Corina Waldie 2:47

And then for our second member of the Drama Dynasty that we talked about

Sydney Spidell 2:51

Where our special mascot

Jonathan Waldie 2:55

Yay!

Corina Waldie 2:55

...joined us before was with Checked-Out Charlie. And so Checked-Charlie being that partner that is typically through overwhelm or not being heard, completely checks out of the process and doesn't engage or falls into the trope of happy wife, happy life. And let's everything just kind of, you know, go with the flow without really taking ownership for things. So in that episode, we were talking about how it's super important for, you know, if you're feeling that way, if you're feeling overwhelmed, to let your partner know, to work with your partner, and to set some boundaries, but to also figure out what you are interested in. Because while you might be overwhelmed by the wedding as a whole, you are also very likely still interested in at least one element. So breaking that wedding down into manageable pieces and find something that you're super excited about that you can take ownership of, and really enjoy this process. And you know, of course, is just setting boundaries with your partner and figuring things out.

Sydney Spidell 3:50

Yeah. And then we talked about the insidious in laws, that dark and spooky name, which really doesn't have to be that but we often get into especially coming from a time when weddings were primarily paid for by parents, and switching into a time where they're not as commonly doing that. There is still this expectation that you appease your parents, not only their desires for a big fancy event that maybe they didn't have before on their own, but their customs, their traditions, their beliefs, and when yours differ from that I mean, if they align great, cool, happy parents happy wedding. But if they do differ, again, being able to have that purpose defined is so essential so that you can stick to your guns and be like, listen, I understand that this is important to you but for our wedding the purpose of this event is not to do what you've always wanted for me it's to do what we want for us and and being able to lay down again boundaries and do so respectfully right

Corina Waldie 4:59

and In our next episode, we talked about party pirates. So the wedding party and how the wedding party can be a challenge to manage in and of itself - depending on expectations, and all other sorts of things. So in that episode, we were talking a lot about, you know, having a lot of intention behind the people you're choosing to be in your wedding party, and also being really, really clear on the different expectations that you have. And keeping them reasonable. Remembering that for your wedding party, your wedding for them, yeah, sure, they love you, they want to be a part of it, but it's one day and a much larger pool of priorities that they very likely have. So it's, it's that it's also remembering to that, you know, you need to check in with them about their own needs. And if you're dealing with a member of your wedding party who's raising drama, is, you know, again, reaching out, figuring out what it is they need, how you can support them, because if they're in your wedding party, I'm really hoping you love and care about this person. And then, of course, need be, setting boundaries. And potentially, you know how to remove a problematic person from your wedding party.

Sydney Spidell 6:08

Mm hmm. And then finally, we ended with the peanut gallery. Because we have all heard our Third Uncle Gary's opinion on every bride should have her vase fully face fully covered Wow vase, you should cover all your vases says Gary. And just how important is Gary's opinion in your wedding. But it also extends to vendors, too. Now we talk about respecting your vendors and choosing people that are right for you - partially to avoid potential incidents like this, which is where you know, for the benefit of the venue for the benefit of the florist for the benefit of the whatever and their business, they are going to give you options that don't give you what you need. So making sure you're able to not think you know more than a professional, but be able to set your boundaries with those people as well. And make sure that your day is still about you and not about appeasing other people, regardless of who they are, regardless of how much influence they have on their life. And if it's going to be that much undue stress, maybe they shouldn't be coming to the wedding, too. But beyond that, we also talked about in that episode, that sometimes those requests from Third Uncle Gary, maybe not the one about the covering of the vases, but about making sure that you don't have your wedding outdoors in a field, you may think he's just trying to harsh your mellow, but perhaps Gary has assisted mobility devices and navigating a field excludes him from sharing in that joy with you. So it's again, remembering the humanity of the people around you and the people that you're choosing to bring as part of this event, it's a major event, they should be people that you want there and care about. If you care about them, then you have to care about their needs. Then that was that was the peanut gallery and the end of our drama dynasty.

Corina Waldie 8:01

And so today, we just want to wrap it up by talking in a little bit more detail about, you know, how, as a couple entering into this process, that you can manage all of these different dynamics, because obviously, you know, it took us five episodes to get to this point, that there's a lot of there's a lot there to unpack, and there's a lot how a lot there to do. So today we're going to talk about how you as a couple can actually approach this process while managing all of those different personas, those different things that come up and plan your wedding while still building your relationship so that you are setting yourself up for a healthy marriage rather than putting the entire focus on your wedding, getting married and then going, Okay, what the fuck now. So that is what we're going to be talking about today.

Sydney Spidell 8:49

And you can do all of these things and use these tricks and tactics whether you're both Perfection Peytons, whether you're both Checked-Out Charlies, whether you're a mix of each. It all comes down to who you are, and your wedding and your event. So if any of this feels applicable to you, feel free to dive in and use it and if it doesn't, you know, maybe, maybe it's information you can share with your friends who are going through this wedding planning process as well because you know, it's going to be everyone is going to encounter some sort of struggle.

Corina Waldie 9:25

One hundred percent

Jonathan Waldie 9:28

I'm fairly certain there's no wedding that goes through without something coming out. At least not that I've ever heard where it's just like, Oh, it was perfect. We didn't have to worry about a thing.

Sydney Spidell 9:37

Have you had a perfect wedding where everyone has been nice, done everything you wanted, and it turned out perfectly? Send us an email. We'd love to hear about it and your black magic.

Jonathan Waldie 9:45

Yes.

Corina Waldie 9:46

And what did you do

Sydney Spidell 9:48

Who was your planner?

Corina Waldie 9:49

Who was your planner, I want to pay them and pick their brain to understand how,

Jonathan Waldie 9:56

what kind of voodoo was used here?

Corina Waldie 9:59

So I think It's very important, you know, just starting off this conversation is to remember always, that your wedding is one day. And that when it comes to your wedding that yes, it's one day, yes, it's something you've maybe you've been dreaming of it for 30 years, maybe you've been dreaming of it for five years, whatever. You know, when it comes to your wedding, it is literally one day people, and you have a lifetime, hopefully after that, that you are going to be with this person and partnered with this person. And it's really, really important to not lose sight of that. So the very first thing that I think it's important to address is the things that you can do during your planning process, to keep that focus on your relationship, so that you can prepare for marriage.

Yeah, and we talked about how that whole wedding process throughout this, we've talked about how that wedding planning process is kind of like this trial period, or a little demo stage for what comes after that wedding band. Right? The this challenge that you're working on of planning a wedding is like any other challenge that you might partake in together as a couple, whether that is you know, finding a way to manage your household, whether it is incorporating those little beings into it, I'm talking about children, I love them, it kind of sounded like I didn't there. Whether it is going through the process of purchasing a property, you know, anything is going to throw so many wrenches. A wedding is a really great trial run, just because you're going to have to deal with finances. Like that's, that's central to things

That's going to come up a few times yeah

And you're going to have to deal with understanding tastes, and wants and needs and desires, which is a really, really, really cool thing to discover at that point in your relationship. Because guess what, you have the rest of that marriage, then to expand on those and dig in and get passionate about stuff. You're going to be dealing with family, as we're really going to talk about here, your you know, there's there's just these patterns that are going to come up perpetually, so why not throw them all into one big, you know, whether whether you're planning over a period of two months, whether you're planning over a period of three years, you know, this is a good trial run. This is gonna get you everything you need.

So I think it's important to, you know, actually, like, let's talk about practical strategies, because I think even as planners, we see those people, those couples that gets so attached to all the details and all the trust and all the drama that goes into this, that they lose focus of the priorities of their life, you know, slowly slide down that list, you know, and then all of a sudden, like said, You're marrying somebody who you don't know. So what are some practical strategies, you know, that we can do, or you can do as a couple? And I know when we were planning this out, Jon, you had a great suggestion. Did you want to talk about that?

Well, yeah, um

we have a note here, but he can't read it. And it says set intentional wedding stuff days.

Was that me?

Was that you?

That was you, that was your idea.

I said that? I?

You're so smart.

Apparently.

I'm like really impressed with you right now.

Now if only I had a memory that would be great.

I don't know where you can buy those.

Yeah. I think that's just for computers. Oh, I know right?

That's why I didn't work

One day. But yeah, no, just just setting days where you only discuss the wedding on that day. So you're not you know, trying to try to get everything done. And then that's what everything's about. So that you know, you're having dinner. And that's Oh, by the way, what should we do for the wedding dinner? Well, how about we just discuss that on Thursday, and the rest of the week just enjoy your week together? Be a couple together not be a wedding planning couple

With the perspective of a Checked Out Charlie, why would that I know why, but why would that be good for you?

Well as both as a Checked-Out Charlie, just as myself in general. Yeah. Is we're gonna get overwhelmed. We will check out, our eyes will go cross eyed.

And if it's limited to a day, you know, like I need to show up for my partner on this day. I'm not allowed to pretend I'm overwhelmed with this before we even started because I have dedicated myself to that time.

You've set aside that time, you know what you're going to be discussing, and you can be invested in it because that's time you have set aside it's not a Oh God, we have to talk about this all the time. You're not going to get it upset or just tired of listening to it. Go again going cross eyed. Yeah, because you've had time to go. Okay, well, Thursday we're gonna figure out what we're doing with this chunk of the wedding. And then once you've done it, you're like, oh, it's done. Good.

And what a great way to push a Checked-Out Charlie more into that checked-out phase than making them feel like they have no way of getting away from wedding stress.

Exactly. Because as the Checked-out Charlie myself at one point, yeah, you if everything is about the wedding all the time, the last thing you want to hear about is the wedding. So having the opportunity to decompress

and live life around it, your life is not about this one thing.

Yes, like even if your engagement is a short one, and you do have to plan a lot of things quickly. I'm fairly certain you can do without seven days a week. Twenty four hours a day

Maybe do it in reverse and have set we never talk about weddings on Wednesdays days. Yeah. As a perfection Peyton, how would having set days help you?

I think from the perspective of that Perfection Peyton, it allows me to also, you know, avoid that overwhelm by saying, okay, you know, I know for myself, I struggle with overthinking. And so by having that structure and saying, Okay, we're, you know, wedding Wednesday, that's going to be the day of the week that we sit down and we figure out XYZ, then I can kind of, alright, this is what I need to prepare, or this is what I need to feel, or this is what you know, it gives me that opportunity to process and overthink if I need to, but then come into that conversation, ready to discuss those things. And to sort of also helped manage that. And also remember to keep that balance of like, I have a life. I have friends, I have relationships, I have things to do outside of planning my wedding. So it does help to put those boundaries on it. Because you're limiting it to such a set amount of time.

I think that's a big difference between the Perfection Peyton, and the Checked-Out Charlie, too, it's not because the overwhelm is the same in both right. And, again, we're speaking about people who don't necessarily have a background in anything that relates to event planning, or wedding planning, just your regular average person. And what I hear from that, is that having that time off, has the exact same benefit, because you probably feel the exact same way. Right? The Checked-Out Charlie just has that response of being like I'm going to check out before I need to take this on, and the Perfection Peyton takes it on and feels guilty if they don't, right. If you're not the one doing not in carrying that load, then no one's going to do it, and it's not going to happen. So you feel like you have to think about it all the time. You feel like it has to become your personality. It does not. You're allowed to take time away from that wedding, you're allowed to take time that specifically invested in that wedding, and you're allowed to be who you are. Without it.

Yeah. And like, even as a Checked-Out Charlie, if you know, on Wednesday, we're gonna discuss XYZ, like, I don't know, the wedding cake or the venue or something, even if you're not discussing it with one another. Even if you are checked out. You still, I guess in the back of your mind, you're preparing yourself for this conversation. So yes, you might. I mean, as we discussed with Checked-Out Charlie, you might not care or be very interested, at least you're ready to commit to that discussion, you're not going to be as checked out because you've had that time to go. Okay, well, we're going to discuss this, I'm going to be present for this because that's in the schedule.

And both of those things allow respect for the other you know, doing that for your Checked-out Charlie allows you to respect the the non turned on brain time that they are going to have regardless and rather than it being something that makes you feel bad, you get to just enjoy that they have that space. And for the other one setting those days for your Perfection Peyton is letting them know that you are going to even just put on a freakin smile. You know, like it doesn't matter if it is something that you care about that you love on that day. Yeah, as you said, you've decided you're going to be invested in it. So your eyes open. You are focused, and you're there for your partner, not for their the wedding of their dreams. You're there for your partner in discussing how you guys are going to begin your marriage.

Yeah, and I mean, the benefit for a Perfectionist Peyton is that they know on wedding Wednesday. XYZ is getting taken care of. So they're not going to have to stress out about it anymore, they can see an end date to that particular stress, which is what's making them a Perfectionist Peyton. So after wedding Wednesday, or whatever day of the week it is, I mean, me, it tends to be the get things done Sunday, I can't think of a nice fancy term. But on a Sunday, it's getting the things done, getting all the chores done, or getting whatever it needs to get done. So that you can enjoy the rest of the week. And so that both sides of it, or two Checked-Out Charlies, two Perfectionist Peyton, whatever, that particular issue is resolved. So it's not causing anyone stress. And just having the ability to enjoy part of your week. I mean, without having to worry about it. Cuz you know, that's coming up is a big help for any person.

It's deserved.

Yeah, and, and it almost feels better, because, you know, it's gonna get ticked off the list.

And, and like also separating that allows you to, as we talked about, focus on your relationship, right. The idea behind this wedding is that you're coming into a marriage. So the wedding planning is a challenge. It's not about again, concept, greater concept wedding, what the world tells us a wedding is, it's about this adventure, you're going on with your partner, but it also then leaves room for there to be other adventures, you go on with your partner that are completely non wedding related, like your you still get to date each other during this time.

You know, whether you know, I don't care whether you stay home and watch a movie and order pizza, or, you know, you do some luxurious, you know, $5,000 trip to Mexico, I don't really care. But you know, it's taking you it's taking that time, it's setting that intention and saying we're going to spend time with each other, we are going to, you know, connect with each other on a level that doesn't involve the wedding. And it's about setting an explicit boundary, saying, you know, while we do X, Y, and Z, no wedding talk, it's actually something I outright encourage every single one of my clients to do, because frankly, that is something that is I can't even overstate the importance of spending intentional time together without the distraction of the wedding, but also without the distraction of everything else going on in your life, whether that's household or children or family or whatever, work, etc. Taking that into that intentional time is going to make a huge difference. Both now while planning your wedding. And in the future, and all the other sorts of things.

Yeah again, you're setting that precedent for saying we not only make time for the wedding plans, which somehow seem to take over everyone's life, the same way children often do, the same way jobs often do. You're setting a precedent and saying we can put this in a time, we can schedule this and we also scheduling time to connect and be together. What an excellent precedent for after the wedding is over when it's children when it's jobs when it's not wedding, that you still are like we did dates before when we were planning an insane wedding, which normally people just pull their hair out during, which means we can still go on dates at this point in our marriage. Good for us. We are cool. We're amazing. I love us.

Yeah. I mean, and yeah. Both during the wedding. And afterwards. It's I mean, I, to this day, I love having a weekend and going you know what, this Saturday, we're gonna go for a hike. Don't worry about anything else. That's what the chore Sunday is for. But this Saturday, we're gonna go do something. Why? Because we need time for ourselves. Yeah, we need we need time to get together and not worry about doing the dishes, or doing whatever needs to be done. Whatever you have to go out side of the house and do and and I don't care if you're a Perfectionist Peyton or a Checked Out Charlie, having that day and going we're going to go have fun is great for anyone because it lets you decompress. In and you know, get ready for what you need to get done.

Yeah. And, also like, that's a great way to again, all this precedent setting. Guys, this is what this is about. You mentioned sort of just we don't need to we have a day where we take care of the household. That's a great way to start actively working on that mental load redistribution. That is such a popular topic right now. Particularly among heterosexual couples where the mental load of managing a household falls on one person's shoulders and not the other. You know, having those planned days where you prioritize that relationship from both sides of things, also means that the person who feels like they need to take it all on is able to be like, Okay, we take on our relationship we take on our household. Yeah. Right.

But, you know, just to sort of change gears and talking about that sort of preparing for marriage, I think the other thing, you know, it's sort of part of all of this, it's not even a bad thing to continue into marriage, but is actually doing counseling together.

Now, we've said it before therapy for everyone all the time forever, don't ever stop.

Yeah, 100%. And, you know, many, especially if you're choosing to get married in a religious, you know, environment, the pastor, the priest will require you to go through some form of premarital counseling program. But even if you're getting married by a regular justice of the peace or an officiant with no religious aspects involved, taking that intentional time to do some kind of a program, preferably with a, you know, a family or marriage licensed therapist or counselor, who can walk you through. The program that I know you and I did, Now we got married in the church, but it brought up so many conversations and things about expectations of the future, and budgeting and etc, that we had never even begun to think of as a dating couple. You know, even those conversations like a little bit morbid, but like, you know, what happens when one of us dies, like, there is elements to this, that allows you to really plan and prepare, and again, just continue to feed into your marriage and setting up your relationship for success over the long term.

Yeah, I mean, I would argue that morbid things, it, you know, that has such a negative connotation, and I love morbid things. Maybe that's because I talk about blood oaths all the time. A little bit of like a goth, but no, I, I mean, you thought you if you're talking about life with someone, you have to also recognize you're talking about death with someone. You can't commit to a life with someone, if you're aren't accepting the final transition of what that is, right? It's a part of life, it doesn't not exist. So being able to navigate conversations, that mortality is something that so many people are terrified to talk about. What an excellent, scary cliff to jump off of in the hands of somebody who is able to guide you through safely, right at the beginning of things, so that you're not afraid of those things when they come up, because guaranteed they will. Lives end. And that is huge. But it's also too like, we have to get over this conception that we are experts in everything. Just because you're alive, just because you've made friends. Just because you have a family does not mean that you know how to have relationships with people. And I'm not just talking romantic or marriage oriented relationships, I'm talking about literally any relationship with any human. We get this idea that we're naturally disposed to make things work and seeking help for something that's so basic as interacting with another human is somehow shameful. It's not, it's a skill, there's science behind it, there are reason that there are professionals doing it. So don't commit your life to someone with the assumption that just because you're committing your life to someone means that you can handle it. Just like that, saying, Yes, I'm ready to marry you does not mean that you're ready for marriage, you know, in the same way. You have to be ready to do the work that goes into it. And there are professionals who are trained to help you.

And there's something to be said, where oftentimes we are attracted to our opposite. And because we are attracted to personality that tends to be opposite to us. It also in turns reflects our own, you know, like misconceptions and flaws back at us, it amplifies that. Yeah. And so you know, because especially in that marital close committed relationship where you're spending a good portion of your time together, you know, that you end up reflecting that back to each other. And so taking that time to do the work, and to you know, individually seeking counseling to learn how to participate in this in this really important interpersonal relationship in a way that is healthy and beneficial. And, you know, set up for long term success is super, super important. Just to think about.

Yeah, and I mean, doing something like the the premarital counseling, or just a wedding itself, it lets you build together it lets you, you know, get experience working as a team because you're building us together. And I mean,

It asks for equal input. Yeah,

it basically helps you to work together on this huge project. That is a little less critical than say, if you were trying to renovate a house,

Oh my goodness, can you imagine? If everybody had gone through this wedding planning process, as we are talking about it, with that intention, with that purpose driven, with the support of professionals, counselors, your loving family, etc, etc? how much easier it would have been to be a married couple quarantined during COVID.

It's true. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, we talk about things coming up. And you're like, well, it won't happen to us Global pandemics.

That's true.

Like, why not build the tools so that you don't shoot each other? So that you can find out? And yeah, you're talking about working together? You're talking about finding each other's, like, team building, but finding out how the other person does? You know, are they are - How do they learn? How do they plan? How do they schedule? How do they process? And how do they do? And all of those things can come in handy when you're trying to share workspace, when you're trying to plan which home to move into, when you're purchasing a car. All of these things are going to be tools that you can use to respect, understand, and fully see your partner.

It's remembering always that when you're entering into a marriage, you are partners, you're on the same team. And that whether it's planning your wedding, whether it's buying a house, whether it's raising kids, that you need to first and foremost work together. And you know, that always goes back to what we talked about, like, you know, having that purpose, figuring out your priorities, figuring out your values, and getting on the same page, because that is going to make the difference. I think in that crazy dynamic that we've been talking about between Perfection Peyton and, you know, Checked-Out Charlie, that being that self aware to be able to have that conversation and be on that same page is already going to set you up to avoid the extreme.

Yeah, yeah, good communication is the bedrock of healthy society. Like, it just is. I also just looking at our notes here, as we're going through, I see a word that I just somehow didn't pick out before. And I totally understand why people use it. And I want to challenge it a little bit, which is the word compromise in here. And I want to challenge it just by suggesting an alternative word, which is collaborate. Compromise, just contextually suggests, loss. You know, you concede some sort of territory in that. In collaboration, it's about finding a success that elevates both parties, or all parties, where rather than a solution that one party can live with, because it makes the other party happy. And there are always going to be moments that you're like, I literally just have zero interest in this and they care. And it makes no sense for me to challenge what they want. Because whether it's exactly what they want, or something exactly opposite, I will have zero emotional attachment to it. So that's to me is not a compromise or a compromise. You're not ceding ground, the only thing that you don't get when you back down from something that you literally have no interest in is the feeling of winning. And why do you need that? In a team?

No, it's true. And yeah, the change in word is a really good one.

This is one I've noodled about for a long time. Yeah.

Because yeah, usually, I mean, the word compromise comes up when planning a wedding, or even in a marriage itself. When you're right. It's it's not really a compromise if you're working together. Yeah. It's not. Well, I have my opinion, you have yours. I guess we'll meet somewhere in the middle where neither of us was really happy about it. It's, well, how can we work together? So we're both happy?

Yeah. And yeah, it's this. It's a mindset shift, right? You're still gonna approach the same problem, you're still gonna go through probably similar situations and scenarios and solutions and everything like that. But what you're doing is going in not saying how do I get what I want, and they still get what they want, but it's rather how do I respect who I am? My boundaries, my needs. Oh my gosh, we talk about these things all the time. And how do I respect them and their boundaries and their needs? And how do I show my love for this person by elevating both? How do we as a team elevate us, rather than, hey, this time you get it, honey next time it's mine. I mean, maybe that works for you, though maybe like, each year, one person picks a vacation cool. If that's not compromised to you, if that's collaboration, because this year, I'm totally immersed in the world of your brain, and I love that I get to explore your brain and next year gonna be totally immersed in the world of my brain. And boy, do I hope you like it. You know? That's, that's how I imagined. Um, you know, it's you, maybe that is collaboration,

which would be an interesting way to do it actually choosing choosing a different vacation, who gets to choose it.

and Carina and Jon have just plan their next five vacays?

I'm like, Well, I think she wants to go to Paris. Yeah, and I'd have to figure out somewhere. But it would, yeah, probably the same. It's very true.

All the museums,

although that being said, even with the mindset of collaboration, there is something to be said, for picking your battles. Because I think if you come to every little tiny decision, and say, well, we need to collaborate, we need to do whatever, it does get exhausting within the relationship. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with actually saying, Okay, I legit do not care,

I have no investment in this, they do.

Let them have their thing.

That is collaborating. That is that is exactly it. Right. It can you can be in you can be as involved in that actual decision or activity or not. But you do have to be involved in the thought process with your partner.

You know, that's something along the lines of Checked Out Charlie, except, I'm sure there's a bit of Checked Out Charlie on everyone. So I mean, in one topic, you could not care. Yeah, on the other side, your partner cannot care. It's just and you know, for picking your own battles. If you don't care, and they do, okay, and vice versa, if it's a different topic, they don't care. You do.

Yeah. Right. And I think still being present enough to be like, I don't I'm not attached to what this is, but I'm attached to their joy. And so I will make sure that I appreciate the choice that they made, regardless of if I give a crap about it or not.

Yeah. It's not like you're going, well, whatever you want. Just go ahead. I don't care. So it's still being involved. So you're not Checked Out Charlie but

your back seat? Bray law. I'm not gonna be responsible for naming now.

But, you know,

We've already proven I can't figure out names that are catchy, either. So you know.

But ya know, when it comes to that, like idea of like picking your battles, again, it's just about communicating. It's about saying to your partner, okay, you might care about the flowers, I'll be honest, I do not have an opinion about the flowers. I'm happy to attend an appointment, I'm happy to talk about price, I'm happy to talk about whatever you need me to. But I legit do not care.

If you don't care, a tool to use, and to show your partner that you care about them is simple observation and active listening. So when you go to that flower appointment, and you can't tell the difference between all of the red flowers in front of you that the florist is saying are 16 different varieties from totally different regions of the world. You can instead of looking at the flowers, look at your partner, look at their face, see if they're excited about certain things, see if they're nervous about certain things. And then when they're going to like I can't decide between the rhododendron and this giant hydrangea, you can be like, well, I forgot what they were, but I numbered them. And then number three, you had this little twinkle in your eye. And a number seven, you looked like you were about to poop your pants because you saw the price tag. Do you think we could go with the twinkle instead of the poop?

You're not wrong.

You don't have to speak the language of these things. But assuming that you are coming to the end of the aisle with someone, hopefully you understand how to notice their joy and how to notice their emotion and how to notice them. Right? There are so many ways to be involved in your partner that don't necessarily have to be involved in these like little things and that just the noticing is a foundation of communication, right?

100% And I think it's also important though to note, especially having just, you know, as we wrap up this whole series on the drama dynasty, it's also it's noticing your partner but it's also when you're having that outside influence, like an insidious in-law, and like a party pirate, like these people who are coming in and making your partner's life difficult, is defending them and being on their freakin side.

This is my really quiet applause.

Like I have just heard way too many stories about like, you know, mother in law, I'm going to, you know, be gendered here for a second but mother in law making the daughter in law's life a living freakin hell. And her partner is doing absolutely nothing to protect her or to back her up. Yeah. And is taking the side of his parent, you know? So like, that is not okay. Yeah. So I think when it comes to your wedding, you know, it is helping your partner, it's helping your partner manage the opinions of others, it's protecting your partner, it's being that person that they can rely on to help, you know, manage all of these different dynamics that are going on. And also protecting your wedding and the integrity of your wedding and what you both want for your wedding.

And we have talked about this, in every single one of these episodes. You don't, it's not this mentality of like, well, I don't want to disrespect my mom, I'm already marrying someone, I'm already bringing somebody else into my life. She's already having a hard time with that. I don't want to make her feel like, like, she doesn't have any control over my life anymore, or whatever. First of all, does your mom have control over your life? Why? That's not this podcast. That's a that's a different one. But, you know, you are, again, go to that purpose. Is this to make our moms happy, great kowtow to everything they say, if that's the purpose of what you're doing, you know, the gods be with you.

But then you're not really planning a wedding? Are you?

Yeah, exactly. You know, that's probably the couple that's gone to the courthouse for months before and didn't tell anybody about it. Right?

Surprise!

Honestly, I super support that method. If this is something that you really couldn't give two shits about and you're getting all of that input from the party pirates, from the insidious in-laws, from the peanut gallery, if you're getting that all, and your method of dealing with it, and whatever it is, you do want to give them what they want. But it's not what you want, you can separate those things. Yep, you can give them what they want. And keep the thing that means what it means to you completely separate all of those outside voices.

It's not you're not, you should never let anybody feel or make you feel that what you want doesn't matter. And if you are, you know, that you know, that strategy of, you know, eloping, going, maybe going to the mountains and doing something, you know, have a solo session with a photographer or whatever that looks like for you.

Or just going to the courthouse and signing, or being done and not telling anyone about it.

It allows you to take ownership back, it allows you to take, you know, to actually, you know, take that part a part of the wedding back that you know, is going to allow you to experience joy.

You don't feel like everything was stolen from you. Yeah.

And, and, again, it brings focus back to your partnership. Now your marriage, while still involving those people you care,

Maybe the party is about honoring family and tradition. Maybe that's the party and that's what it's about. But your marriage and the purpose of getting married is different than that, then separate them, they do not have to be the same thing.

And I would imagine, not that we get it, but I would imagine if you did go along that route, you do have your elopement and hide it. It's a lot less of an argument for you and your spouse. And a lot less stress on you when you go well. Okay, you guys want what you want. You go ahead. You plan it, man. We're gonna go on this date over here.

You totally could. Why not? If they're that insistent be like hey, that's great. Is that something that you want to put together? I love that you want that mom like that sounds amazing. I'd love to support you in planning that. I can't do it this week because I'm, you know, having a great time with my partner here, but let me know next we can we can set up a date, you can tell me all your thoughts.

And then you don't. I mean in that specific case, but you don't have to worry about defending your spouse or spouse to be from your mother from the insidious outlaws from the

you guys are already

You said outlaws, not inlaws

I'm so sorry...

Maybe you come from a crime family, it's okay.

But I was gonna say, you know, there's absolutely 100% nothing wrong with delegating something to somebody else. If whether it's you're not interested in it, whether you know, it's something somebody else wants, and you say, okay, you know, Mom, you really want the limo. You manage it, you set it up, you pay for it, I'm cool.

or even if they don't have specific things that they care about, but there's just somebody who is so determined to be as invested in your wedding as you are. Yeah, yeah. Give him a project and be like, great, you know, here's my purpose. Align it with this purpose. And let's see what you come up with cutie like, great, cool.

I don't know why. But the second you said that I just imagined a person bouncing like a little dog. Please, please let me help. Let me help. Let me help me. You figure out this portion, just because you want to be involved. And we've don't want to deal with this. So please, go ahead. Thank you. We love you. Yeah,

tons of ways to get people in there.

And yeah, and it's the same thing, right? Without kind of continuing on the whole line of delegation, right? You know, there's nothing wrong with hiring a planner, passing it off to a vendor, getting a professional to do it. You know, it's just going to ease this process by having, by passing the care of that on to somebody who has the experience, has the knowledge, to be able to really manage that for you so that you can just enjoy that process.

Yeah, yeah. If it's taking away from the joy. So things that you need to ask yourself are, does this support our purpose? does this benefit our relationship? Is there someone else who could do it? Do we really need it? Maybe put that one further up, ask that first. But you know, and just like be okay, if the answer to that is no, Be okay if suddenly this thing that was in your head, since you were a child, suddenly isn't part of your wedding. There is nothing wrong with you changing your mind, there is nothing wrong with you growing and there's nothing wrong with you realizing that what you actually want is the feeling that everybody talks about when they say this is the wedding. And not the wedding. You know?

Yeah, no, 100% You got to love this. Right. And like I said, just to sort of kind of like wrap things up, remember that this person is the person you claim to love. This is the person that you are committing your life to. And that throughout this entire process, this entire process of planning your wedding, and moving on with your lives, that this is about your future, and this is about your happiness, and this is about doing something that is for you, first and foremost.

Gotta come back to you

and what you both want. And that was the drama dynasty. So next time we dig into the threads of Reddit to start to bring you some real life situations, and stories, and we're gonna share our own hot takes on them through the lens of the drama dynasty, and all these other sorts of fun things that we've been talking about with the Un-Wedding Movement. So it should be a great time.

I'm honestly so pumped because I think when we do these podcast episodes, we're gonna get some jumping action in the comments. Yeah, not pulling punches. We're going to tell you what we think. So you can join the conversation over on our Instagram and our TikTok and share with us your tips on planning a wedding while still continuing to grow your relationship and prepare for your marriage. Yay. Number one. We'd love to connect with you. And we'll talk next time. Cheers.

Thanks for having me. Toodles!

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