Episode 8.1 | Reddit Hot Takes | AITA for rejecting my friend’s boyfriend’s request to propose at my wedding?

Sydney Spidell 0:11

Welcome to the Un-Wedding Podcast. I'm Sydney

Corina Waldie 0:14

and I'm Corina

Sydney Spidell 0:15

We're two neurodiverse wedding planners who are committed to empowering nearlyweds to throw out the wedding rulebook, shrink their guest list, and create a meaningful, purposeful wedding experience. We're taking the wedding industry by storm and disrupting the status quo. We're the Un-Wedding Planners and we invite you to join our movement.

Corina Waldie 0:33

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Corina Waldie 0:57

Today on the Un-Wedding Podcast, it's time for a hot take and we're reading - "Am I the asshole for rejecting my friend's boyfriend's request to propose at my wedding? And this one comes from Reddit user throwitawayAITA_friend

Sydney Spidell 1:14

Alrighty, my husband and I, (30M) and (27F), got married last month and had a small and wonderful wedding. Two weeks before the wedding, my best friend/ maid of honours (28F) boyfriend (27M) asked if it would be okay to propose during my reception. I first told him how thrilled I was that he was proposing to my friend and how excited she would be. But I really wasn't comfortable with him proposing during the wedding, at least as a public thing. He seemed totally shocked that I said no, which I can understand. He said that weddings are supposed to be about celebrating love. And that as her his girlfriend's best friend, I should want them to be finally engaged after 11 years together. I absolutely want that for them but I just didn't understand why it needed to happen during the five and a half hour window of my ceremony/cocktail hour/Reception. I was very apologetic and offered to help however I could with the proposal on any other day, but he was clearly not happy with me. I haven't heard from my maid of honour since the wedding, which is probably the longest we've ever gone without talking. I had tried several times to get in touch with her and let her know at one point that I had something of hers she had lost at the wedding. Never any response. I texted the other day saying I was going to drop the last item off at her house so she'd have it and she finally responded. Apparently, during the after party at the hotel bar, the maid of honour's boyfriend got very drunk and told her that she would have been engaged that night if I hadn't ruined his plan. She said she isn't exactly mad at me, but she feels like her future engagement is ruined and that I denied her a chance at happiness. I told her I was so sorry and the conversation ended pretty awkwardly. Another mutual friend who knows what's going on says she doesn't love that he planned to propose at the wedding but thinks I was the asshole ultimately for saying no. Am I the asshole for saying no?

Corina Waldie 3:27

Okay, well, first off, I think it goes without saying that proposing at somebody else's wedding. Please don't. It's their day, the focus should be on them. And when you propose at somebody else's wedding, you take that focus off of them. And there's something very fundamentally wrong with that.

Sydney Spidell 3:48

Yep and you're also opening up the potential and maybe they know something that you don't, or maybe you know, something that they don't do. You're opening up the potential for it not going well. Just saying.

Corina Waldie 3:59

Sydney Spidell 4:13

Yeah, that what at what costs are you paying towards this wedding so that you can set up your dream proposal? Because right now it sounds like he's just piggybacking off of the fact that people will be dressed up and you know, partying mood and that there'll be pretty things and a photographer, it sounds a little cheap.

Corina Waldie 4:33

And don't get me wrong like we've planned custom proposals and yes, they have a cost to them, if you choose to do it in that manner, but a lot of people I know for myself, my proposal was on my in laws front porch. There's nothing wrong, it was lovely, you know,

Sydney Spidell 4:52

and also to be clear, like the bride said, right away when he said it that she wasn't comfortable with him doing it during the wedding, at least publicly, which means even in that she first of all said, I'm not comfortable with this, this is why, and then gave an alternative that might work that still allowed him to take advantage of those things that we had talked about, maybe other than the photography, right? That's an option, the fact that he also asked and then got mad when she said, No, if you are asking something, you have to be prepared for a positive or negative answer. If you're asking it, it means that you know that there's a potential for that negative answer. So then just getting pissed when somebody answers in the way that you weren't expecting. It's not exactly an adult way to behave

Corina Waldie 5:44

Well and then there's also just the fact that, you know, there's a couple things. First off, she drew a boundary, she just said no, and that boundary, he obviously respected it, but then resented her for it afterwards. And then there's also the element that she offered to help him put together something any other day, but that little five and a half hour window that they had allocated for their wedding day, so the focus could be on them.

Sydney Spidell 6:11

And then he used a high emotion time to tell his girlfriend, and oh, God, this gets me what she said, feels like her future engagement is ruined, and that her friend denied her a chance at happiness. What kind of partnership are you in where your partner has decided not to propose or not to move along on that track with it because his perfect plan was ruined by your friend and he needs to first destroy your relationship before it can move on? Where he's asking you to, you know, like, and maybe he didn't ask this, but the fact that like, what is going through this friend's head? I'm not exactly mad at you, which means I understand why you wouldn't do it. But also you ruined my chance that happiness. That's a fed line. That is her repeating her drunken boyfriends assholery

Corina Waldie 7:13

Yeah, definitely like it's really gross. To me, honestly, that's a red flag. Yeah. The fact that they roll this control, they've also been together 11 years, and I get that some people are in long relationships. But you've obviously been with this person long enough that you've been in a relationship with them for 11 years, you haven't yet made that commitment to engagement, and marriage. And now all of a sudden, because her best friend for goodness knows how long it doesn't stay really say how long may have been friends, has said no, you're not proposing my wedding. And all of a sudden now it sounds like be engagements off.

Sydney Spidell 7:48

Yeah. And the fact that, you know, he, how he phrased it to, you know, like, you should want us to be finally engaged after 11 years together. How does that have anything to do with her saying no? He is the one who is placing the responsibility for the advancement of his own relationship on everybody else externally. He's not taking any of that on. You're absolutely right. Like there are some serious abusive red flags and this in terms of a controlling partner, in terms of somebody who is willing to socially and emotionally distance people from the relationships in order to get what they need -serious red flags.

Corina Waldie 8:32

Yeah, I would even potentially go so far as to say this, this person this boyfriend sounds like a narcissist. Yeah. Just this whole idea of not taking responsibility and now he's the victim. Yeah. They're very reasonable things and I've

Sydney Spidell 8:47

What you have done is prevented your friends happiness, and you are doing this to her. It's not me who's asking the question.

Corina Waldie 8:53

Exactly. And you know, in terms of the the friend, the unfortunate thing with her having been in a relationship with him for 11 years, you get so used to that level of abuse and being treated that way that you don't think of it any differently. Yeah, right. And that's just normal.

Sydney Spidell 9:08

Yeah, that brings it out again, she isn't exactly mad at me, but feels like and yeah, it's like, I mean, these aren't my feelings, but here are my feelings. You know, it's a that absolutely sounds like somebody who isn't given the room to actually stand in their own self and embody their feelings, but rather puts their own to the side in order to make room for someone else's. Right. Yeah. Ooh, no, this is harmful. And I like the other friend, right mutual friend who knows what's going on, doesn't love that he planned to propose it the wedding but yeah, you're the asshole for saying no. Again, it just sounds like you're sort of supporting people's bad behavior to avoid the potential fallout for it, which is never a good idea.

Corina Waldie 9:54

And I also think there's also probably with this mutual friend being arm's length, there's a fairly good chance that the way it was presented to this mutual friend is it was presented in such a way that that person would gain that opinion. Because that's the thing with, you know, the facts might have been manipulated or twisted, as is common in these abusive, narcissistic, you know, dynamic relationships. And so therefore is now placing that blame on the other friend for saying no, because of the way that was presented.

Yeah. And I also wonder, too, you know, are these people then blaming both members of the couple, sorry, like, this couple that just got married last month? Or are they blaming the friend because you know, that sounds really nitpicky. But again, you can sort of look at these things as to be like, if this is very much directed at this person, then it's a lot more of a red flag towards abuse, then it would be just like, I'm cranky at everyone, I can be cranky, because I didn't get my way. Right. Whoo, this is a weird this took a dark turn, I think this am I the asshole are too long, didn't listen sums up with no, you are not the asshole. And you might want to look into some support to get your friend out of an abusive relationship.

I would agree with you, you know, like, the unfortunate part with many victims of narcissistic behavior or those who are in abusive situations, you know, it's going to be hard, and you might lose your relationship over it. But, you know, standing up and supporting your friend and potentially helping her move forward from this, because if she thinks if this is how it is, when they're not married, you don't want to know what it's gonna be like when they are married.

Now keep in mind, we're also totally reading into a Reddit post and pulling up our own.

Oh yeah

there's a chance that this dude is not abusive, not a narcissist. And just like kind of a dope, who made us stupid.

Of course, as you know, we're definitely

But at the same time, like there is something to be said for the fact that we really do need to be aware of these red flags, and we need to call them out. And abuse is not always something that is physical or sexual. It comes in so many different ways, so many different levels. And can be just completely detrimental to a whole person's self esteem and to their strong connections to the things that keep them safe in this world. So I think actually, now we should probably tack on some resources. This episode now that we've talked about something is triggering, as it says, so we'll definitely include those in in show notes and in the video version of this podcast that goes out. But yeah, you're not the asshole.

Definitely not. Definitely not for standing up for your own wedding day and wanting to keep the focus on you where it belongs.

Mm hmm. Yeah, that may have just led to something good. But um that's all I guess. All right.

Well, if you have a hot take wedding story that you would like us to discuss, be sure to DM it to us over on Instagram at @unweddingmovement and join us next week for another episode of The Un-Wedding Podcast and until then, cheers.

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