Welcome to the fifth episode of our series on the Un-Wedding Podcast, The Drama Dynasty – A group of personas and stereotypes that you may need to navigate in today’s wedding world.
In this episode, we introduce the Peanut Gallery, that group of people who will be involved in your wedding but aren’t close loved ones or your wedding party. These could range from vendors/staff who you’ll be working with to create your wedding and wedding guests, all the way up to extended family, acquaintances or even strangers who all seem to have an opinion to offer on your wedding.
We are going to talk about the many different voices that chime in during your wedding process and give you sound strategies to set boundaries, keep yourself open to new ideas, and keep bridges unburnt. That way you can come out on the other side of your wedding with your partner, friends, and family relationships intact.
Learn more about us and our movement: https://unweddingmovement.com
Sydney Spidell 0:11
Welcome to the Un-Wedding Podcast. I'm Sydney
Corina Waldie 0:14
and I'm Corina,
Sydney Spidell 0:15
We're two neurodiverse wedding planners who are committed to empowering nearlyweds to throw out the wedding rulebook, shrink their guest list and create a meaningful, purposeful wedding experience. We're taking the wedding industry by storm and disrupting the status quo, we're the Un-Wedding Planners and we invite you to join our movement.
Corina Waldie 0:33
We record our podcast from Treaty Six Territory, a traditional gathering place for diverse Indigenous peoples including the Cree, Blackfoot, Metis, Nakota Sioux, Iroquois, Dene, Ojibwe, Saulteaux, Anishinaabe, Inuit, and many others whose histories, languages and cultures continue to influence our vibrant community.
Corina Waldie 0:58
Welcome to the fifth episode in our ongoing series here on the Un-Wedding Podcast, The Drama Dynasty, a group of personas and stereotypes that you may need to navigate in today's wedding world. Today, let us introduce you to The Peanut Gallery.
Sydney Spidell 1:11
These are the people who are involved in your wedding but aren't part of the wedding party or immediate family. They range from vendors and staff to distant cousins. And they all have an opinion that they assume you'd be interested in.
Corina Waldie 1:24
And today we're going to talk about the many voices chiming in during the wedding planning process. And how you can set your boundaries, keep open to new ideas and keep bridges unburnt. That way you can come out on the other side of your wedding with your partner, friends and, family relationships, intact.
Sydney Spidell 1:41
You know that we want those relationships intact here, we fight for that lots of times. So today, talking about that peanut gallery, the first thing to be aware of is the fact that it's only as large as you make it. Right. So the people that are going to have an opinion, are the people that have information to form an opinion on. So who are you sharing information with?
Corina Waldie 2:06
Yeah, so I think it's really important to be hyper-aware right at the beginning. And don't get me wrong, there's going to be lots of people that are super excited about potentially the fact that you're getting married. You'll share you're engaged, and oh, when's the wedding? Because that's our natural reaction. But it's still being super conscious about details necessarily. You know, it's one thing to say, oh, yeah, we just got engaged. And we're planning our wedding, if you have a date, sharing the date, but there's a difference between sharing those like super, super basic demographic details, and then actually going into one of the finer details. And in that circumstance, being cautious about what you're opening yourself up to.
Sydney Spidell 2:44
Yeah. And there's a pretty easy way to avoid that just like a line to just go right in the beginning. And that's just to say, Oh, well, we're keeping it pretty, pretty under wraps for the details right now. So that it can be a big surprise when it comes out. You just let people know that that's what it is. And they're like, Oh Okay, surprise, that's fun. But you know, for someone like me, I like the details. I like to ask questions, you know, I'm the person who's going to...
Corina Waldie 3:10
I'm exact same way a flipping wedding planner for a reason.
Sydney Spidell 3:14
How do you make that boundary exist with that person who's going to ask all of those questions? Well first, you have to ask yourself, is this person, somebody who I want to know these answers? Is this a person who is close enough to me to give all of those details and if not, then "It's a surprise, you'll find out" works just fine.
Corina Waldie 3:35
And I think it's really important as well, especially when you're considering the context of your guest list. And you're considering who you're choosing to include. Especially if you're having a smaller wedding. If I sit down with, say, a college friend, and I share all the details of my wedding with them and then they're not invited, there is definitely going to be some hurt feelings there. So even being cautious about how many details you share with people that might not necessarily be invited.
Sydney Spidell 4:02
Yeah, like a little Why did you include me if you weren't actually going to include me? Kind of a feeling? And I think you know then too, once you know, sort of who these people whose opinions and thoughts you're going to be inviting into this space, think about, okay, how much of it is something that you do want to keep to yourself? And how much stuff do you want to sort of remain in your information realm? And how much would you welcome input from other people in those specific things? Figure out what is private and what is not. Figure out if you want people to be surprised or if you want them to be totally prepared. And if you know what you want with that, then it's going to be okay. Now I know if I am sharing this information or if I'm not.
Corina Waldie 4:51
Yeah, definitely. And I think it's also important to think about all this in context of the kind of wedding you're having. So if you're having something where, you know, maybe it's in a hotel ballroom, and it's something people are a little bit more expecting but you're doing something like super, super fun like super, maybe some surprise entertainment or something like those are the kinds of details you're going to want to keep under wraps. Where you know, if you just say you're getting married on in a hotel ballroom people generally know how to prepare for that kind of wedding because they've probably been to many weddings like it. But if you're doing something super unique, potentially a destination wedding or you're doing something a little bit off the beaten path, of course, you want to make sure your guests are prepared, in that.
Sydney Spidell 5:30
There's going to be a little more information that needs to be shared slightly earlier when those happen.
Corina Waldie 5:35
But there's also a difference between sharing a need that a guest needs to prepare for. So for example, if you're going to get married in Banff, and you're getting married lakeside, and they have to hike in, of course, you want to tell them to bring their hiking shoes, versus actually like sharing a detail of like, you know, maybe what florals you're looking at, or what kind of dress you're wearing, or whatever. So there is also that, like, there's logistical details. And then there's also those like pretty details or other surprise details that go into the event itself.
Sydney Spidell 6:02
Yeah, kind of creating a Yeah, I think I like that divide. The divide between logistics and between design or experience. And although those things overlap a lot, we certainly talk about making sure that experience filters into every single aspect of our planning process. It's still, that's a good delineation between the things that maybe you want to want to keep behind a little bit and the things you can hint at too. You can hint at that within your stationery that you send out. And then how you design your wedding website, if you're doing that, right, there are all these things that can communicate some of these things a little bit more subtly, that then also allow you to retain your own space that you need around those plans. But it's not just like in terms of when we're talking about peanut gallery, it's not just people that may or may not be invited, that have opinions, sometimes we're hearing opinions from vendors and staff too, right? Professionals in the industry.
Corina Waldie 6:56
Especially if you're still in like the interview process, and you're interviewing multiple vendors for that particular role, part of our job, I guess, like so when I do my consults with clients, I do tend to offer a suggestion or two. I do this mostly because I want to build value for them so that they're walking away from our conversation with at least something to think about. But I have zero expectation of them using that. However, there are unfortunately vendors out there where they're like so "Oh you have to do this!" And will like drive home this point to the point that a couple walks away feeling like, "Do I really have to do that?"
Sydney Spidell 7:36
If I don't want that specific thing, you know, that's going to draw me to another vendor, rather than you because I feel like this is necessary. And I think sometimes what it is just not necessarily good communication in those moments, right? If a vendor is asking questions that seemed maybe a little bit more prying or seem not to do with what their area of the wedding is, there's a chance that they're trying to figure out what your intentions and your purpose and the whole story behind your wedding is so that they can ensure that their service aligns with all of that and gives you the experience that you really are looking for.
Corina Waldie 8:14
Yeah, and I think, in terms of vendors, when it comes to holding back details, don't. Honestly, for the vast majority of us, we hear wedding after wedding after wedding after wedding, the more information we have, the better we can help you. If you have an idea of something you want, the better you communicate with us, the better we can give that to you. Because if you hold back details. I hate to break it to you, no vendor out there is a mind reader. It's not a you know, it's a mad skill. I would love that skill. But it's not practical, the vast majority of us can't read minds. So unless...
Corina Waldie 8:24
We want to get to know what your favourite colours are and what textures you enjoy. And whether you like jazz or rap music. There are these things that can inform what we do in a completely different way. So part of that is about saying like, are you trying to take my ideas? Are you trying to make my wedding yours? Or are you trying to get to know me so that you can make my wedding mine?
Corina Waldie 9:11
And I think that goes into when you're interviewing vendors. I think there's a certain amount of importance of having a connection with that vendor, and feeling a sense of trust. That that person knows what they're talking about, that they can deliver on what they're promising you and that they are going to ultimately at the end of the day give you the wedding you want. So I think that's really important in your interviewing processes, shopping based on the potential relationship versus shopping based on price. And I understand that's not possible for everybody...
Sydney Spidell 9:41
Sometimes it's a kind of not - what's the word that I always say? I like collaboration instead of this word for couples. Compromise
Corina Waldie 9:52
Sydney Spidell 9:54
it's there. That's one of those places where you're like, okay, am I compromising between cost and what the end result that I want thereCorina Waldie:
Exactly. And, you know, and I'll just say it quickly. But the truth of this industry is you generally do get what you pay for in this industry. So it's important when you're dealing with any vendor, that you are super conscious about their price. Like if somebody is coming in and let's say you go to a florist, and they're quoting you $300 for your wedding bouquet, and then you go to another florist and they're quoting you $150, I would be questioning why that is. Right? So it's just I think it's just an all things right, like, just being aware of what you're getting and sharing that appropriately.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah. And questioning why that is, that these things are different, you can also then relay that into when you get these opinions from literally anyone, whether they are those vendors, or they are a family member, or they are somebodys plus one. Going, Okay, why? Stepping back and asking yourself, why is a really good, a really good tool. But in terms of things that we see from the peanut gallery, at the wedding, so moving past that whole planning process, and getting those opinions, but now you're on the day of, it's not just opinions beforehand, that can be irksome from this group, right? There are also behaviours,Corina Waldie:
Oh, of course, guests, honestly, bottom line guests can make or break your wedding. Especially, you know, we talk about this industry, because it's so drama-filled, and because so many relationships get broken over one day for many, many different reasons. You know, like, for example, I can think about, I won't say our relationship broke then, but it did break a few years later. And the behaviour of this person at my wedding was one of the reasons for it. But I had one of my aunts who got insanely drunk. She was drunk even before we started dinner, and was making an absolute fool of herself to the point that the day of coordinator I had, had to ask her to leave. She at one point came up to me and actually looked at Jon's best man, and basically pointed at him, and then pointed at me and said, "I don't want to see you kiss the groom, I don't want to see you kiss Jon, I want to see you kiss the best man." It was like she was completely so far gone. It was absolutely ridiculous. And that ended up causing a lot of real harm to our relationship over the long term. So it was how do you prevent these sorts of things? And then also, how do you manage them, of course, on the day of?Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, I think there's going to be certain people that, you know, are partiers and like to bring it. And if those people are part of your core wedding list, then what are you doing to sort of prepare for the inevitable? Are you making it so that they can't get to that level? Or are you setting aside tools that you know, over your relationship with them will probably come in handy, like having a little dark room right nearby, could be quite useful for you, or, you know, various water stations scattered about or rule that you have to drink a glass of water at the bar before you get your next drink? Kind of a thing? Ooh, did I just come up with something?Corina Waldie:
Well, yeah, absolutely. I think one more talking about over-imbibing specifically and also now being Canada also has legalized cannabis. We are seeing more cannabis being included in weddings. So that's also important to consider. It's not just over-imbibing of alcohol. Now, it is also over-imbibing of cannabis. Yeah. And it's, first of all, I think important to make sure that you have vendors who are dedicated to overseeing the consumption of that who are licensed and certified to oversee the consumption of that.Sydney Spidell:
So that shouldn't be your job making sure that people are not over-served. If there's a bartender that is part of that duty.Corina Waldie:
Exactly. So I think that's like, you know, precaution number one. I think the second precaution to avoiding this over-imbibing thing that can come about with your peanut gallery is to ensure safe transportation for all your guests. So this might look like having some kind of a shuttle or a bus service from a hotel to the venue.Sydney Spidell:
Key collection at the door...Corina Waldie:
...yeah, key collection. There's even a great service here in Edmonton that I'm forgetting its name right now...Sydney Spidell:
Designated DrivingCorina Waldie:
Yes, it designated drivers where they'll bring a vehicle - one of them will drive your vehicle home, the other one will drive you home in their vehicle so that you know there's a safe ride home. There are lots of options. So I think it's first off like making sure that you put those sorts of things in place to ensure safety. Now, of course, alcohol especially can be for many people be like you know, they will then speak their minds and cause drama. And the question is, then how do you deal with that?Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, yeah. When people are on it or just talking about having it as accessible at the wedding. Yeah.Corina Waldie:
Well, in my circumstance, my day of coordinator stepped into the rescue. I haven't personally had to do this while working weddings, because for the most part, people generally behave themselves at the wedding.Sydney Spidell:
There's like wedding drunk, and then there's frat party drunk.Corina Waldie:
Exactly. But if you're also a group that really likes to party and get drunk, and if that's what you want to do at your wedding - power to you. As long as we put those things in place, to make sure that you're ready for it.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, in that one, it's almost more of an emotional preparation of being like somebody is gonna say something uncouth tonight, and we're all gonna have to laugh. Because this is what we plan. We plan for this raucous party. Right.Corina Waldie:
But sort of like kind of in addition to that, like over-imbibing, it kind of can tie into this idea, though, that also happens with the peanut gallery, where you'll have those people that are living vicariously through you, and they kind of want to share a piece of the spotlight. The people that, you know, generally we talk about in the industry might be like, a maid of honour or a bridesmaid or a parent,Sydney Spidell:
or an aunt who decides that you've got a new kissing partner at your own wedding. That is an attention-grabbing move. That's not said because she has been long thinking about your potential compatibility with the best man. That's just I'm drunk and need to say something funny and weird.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, exactly. You know, and how do you deal with those things in the moment? And honestly, the problem is, is there really isn't a great answer beyond drawing a boundary. It's saying, you know, like, in the case of my aunt, she got kicked out at the wedding. There were other issues, that was just, that's the funniest of the storiesSydney Spidell:
Number one is to assign a bouncer, whether that is your coordinator, whether that is venue staff, whether that is your brother's best friend's little brother, who is here because he got an invite, but he's also really big. And, you know, like, find somebody to sort of be your Enforcer.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, well it's one possibility. I personally like to tell my clients to avoid having any guests work on their wedding day. And if you're really strongly concerned about over-imbibing, or drama, or those sorts of things, either hiring outright or working with your venue to hire a professional security team. And I know that sounds crazy, but would you rather have somebody come into a situation who has de-escalation training, who knows how to deal with these things, you know, who can walk in and then manage those things and sort of deal with it in a very concise way, instead of it blowing up into something way worse.Sydney Spidell:
And that's another opportunity, again, for making sure that you have this really strong communication between yourself and what you want to see and your security team because it could be that they kind of try to guide where things are going because they know what is right. And we see that again, another bad behaviour that we can see. Not that that's necessarily a bad behaviour. Some people just kind of step naturally into roles and try to make the best of something. But we can see sort of a vendor hierarchy, establishing at weddings too where and this is more of that peanut gallery idea where it's like, no, we had a plan. And now you're trying to guide the way that things are going.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, I would say, and this is not to bash this particular vendor category. I say it because it's the ones that we hear the most stories about. And that would be DJs. I do know some fantastic Edmonton DJs. So I'm not speaking about those people. I'm speaking about, especially about couples who choose to hire somebody who's typically a club DJ, because there's a very big difference between a wedding DJ and a club DJ. There are also certain DJs out there, especially if you're working with a coordinator, who will basically disregard our timelines and just think, "Oh, it's my party, I'm going to do what I want. " And it can cause all sorts of havoc, where that would one element. We also see it sometimes in venues where venues will have really specific nitpicky rules,Sydney Spidell:
Where it's like food's ready, so you need to be ready now. It's like, but yeah, the ceremony ran long, like we needed this extra time. How are we doing this? And they're like, "Well, your dinner's cold."Corina Waldie:
Yeah. So I think it's important. You know, when you're hiring that vendor team, that it goes back into what you said, you want to look at references, you want to look at reviews. You want to make sure you have those connections and those relationships and feel confident in that, that you can build with your vendors. And I'm not saying that they have to be your best friend. I'm just saying that you feel comfortable with them.Sydney Spidell:
You trust their ability to do what it is you've hired them for.Corina Waldie:
You trust in their professional, you know, they have a professional ability to do something. Let's be honest, weddings, even with solid timelines, even with planners in place, they have a way sometimes where the unexpected happens. Things get delayed, you have to be flexible.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah. The other thing to make sure, especially with that DJ thing, is they have control over the microphone, right? So you got to make sure they know that they're not handing the microphone to Aunt Gladys, who's going to tell everybody at the wedding, about that time, your pants fell off at church, and you mooned everybody. And it was just the cutest thing ever. And that was the day she knew you'd have a beautiful wedding. You know, like, we got to make sure we're helping to notice when it might be a cause of over-imbibing, that we get into the oversharing. But there are some people too, as a form of that spotlight-stealing, that they might want to embarrass you. I mean, when it comes down to it, say something that's just gonna be embarrassing.Corina Waldie:
Yeah. And when it comes to that, I always suggest to my couples that we only have set people who are providing toasts, if at all. Because you know, if you want to have some kind of an open mic situation, do it at the rehearsal dinner, your wedding is not for that. Also, there's the issue too, that when speeches go on for too long, let's be honest, as a guest, it gets bloody friggin boring, really fast. Especially if you're not particularly close to the couple, and it's inside jokes or things that you don't necessarily care about. To be totally honest, I recommend at most four speeches. Your two honour attendants and your parents. That's it. I wouldn't go and then actually sorry, five, because I always recommend the couple's speak, you know, thank everybody for coming. But that sort of thing. But other than that, like, yeah, having a very specific plan for who that microphone's being handed to.Sydney Spidell:
Choose who is going to be amplified.Corina Waldie:
Exactly. But I think there's also, you know, we've been talking about all these bad behaviours, we've been talking about the over-imbibing and all these other sorts of things. But there's also the other side of humanity outside of your wedding. And the fact that as humans, you know, some of us really struggle with various different things. This could look like addictions, this could be mental health disorders, this could be other disabilities. And there's also that question of when you're thinking about and planning your wedding is planning for this, a certain level of accessibility and accommodations for those individuals.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, when you hear a voice from the peanut gallery, I think one of the easy ways to look at it is, first of all, are they speaking on behalf of themselves? Are they speaking on behalf of someone they know? Or are they speaking is kind of like a hypothetical? Because with the hypotheticals, you can either go, are you just too uncomfortable, you know, letting me know that something's going on with you, or it's just somebody playing devil's advocate, and it's unnecessary? When they're talking about themselves or someone else specific, that's a really great moment to stop and be like, are you expressing a need to me or an opinion? Like, where is this coming from? And how can I make sure that I am listening to, respecting and accommodating your needs? Because yeah, the alcoholism is a huge one, right? These are weddings, alcoholism is not rare, there's a good chance that somebody has struggled with it, and therefore is still struggling with it because addiction is not something that goes away ever. And so having this situation that is a party and often includes a lot of alcohol, and is going to include people being over intoxicated in front of somebody who is trying to maintain sobriety, or whatever, or whatever, or whatever the case may be finding out these things ahead of time. So again, you can accommodate what their needs are, listen to them give a suggestion of what their needs are, see if there's a level where they're like, I need this, but I'd be really happy with this and find something that works within there. That can be huge between making your wedding a catalyst for drama, and issues and, a personal setback, and it being a comfortable place for everyone to celebrate with you.Corina Waldie:
Absolutely. There's something to be said about remembering that your guests are people too with real needs, real challenges. And I'm not saying that you have to bend over backwards for every single guest. But if there's a reasonable accommodation that can be made. One thing that comes to mind, I was thinking when you're talking about alcoholism, is having fun cocktails that are virgin, that is available. This is actually kind of an annoyance even for me at a lot of restaurants because my husband, like Jon doesn't drink. And he'll want to try something because I'll get a cocktail and he'll look at (the menu) and you know, there's nothing for him. Oh, you can have a soda.Sydney Spidell:
What a way to make you feel as though you're missing out on some aspect of life than not providing something that doesn't seem childish. When you know, don't hand somebody a Shirley Temple and expect them to be happy when their friend's drinking an old fashioned, you know, they're gonna feel like Shirley Temple.Corina Waldie:
Like, you know, that's just something, one small little thing that you do. Or, you know, maybe not even alcoholics or people who struggle with alcoholism, but what if somebody is pregnant, there, same thing, right? You know, there's an alternative for them that they can access where they can still enjoy the party, still feel included, but they have a viable, a very viable option for them.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, and it's can be so uncomfortable too for people who don't drink for whatever the reason being is, to then be asked by people at events, why aren't you drinking. So give them something that just kind of blends in. Maybe the server knows what the different glass shapes mean, but nobody else does kind of a thing. If you set something up for that it can make people's time a lot more comfortable.Corina Waldie:
And then you know, I think that's a perfect point. And then to move on a little bit further, especially if you have somebody you know, who's neurodivergent, dealing with sensory issues. You know, like, for me, I'll be honest, big loud crazy parties, I don't tend to stay in the room too long. So you know, it might sound a little ironic as a wedding planner, but that's just myself personally, and I will tend to step out of the room. But I know I'm not alone in that. So having some kind of lounge space is a great way to accomplish this where the music's a little bit quieter, where you can still carry on a conversation and still find enjoyment in your wedding without feeling like, "Okay, I'm just in this big, loud, crowded room with all of these people around me and the music's really loud and..."Sydney Spidell:
There are so many sensory processing issues that can be easily mitigated or relieved, or completely avoided by making intentional choices with how you set up your space. And, you know, yes, as two neurodivergent people, we are definitely going to be thinking about this more than neurotypical people might. But it does not mean that neurotypical people don't experience overload, sensory overload, and don't also need to be able to wind down a little bit. And also, if you think about all of these things that can get so out of hand at weddings, like the over-imbibing, and the oversharing, the spotlight, taking all of these things. Sometimes having that space is a really great transition to get somebody that is escalating into a de-escalation. You know, if you provide a space, if you're just talking with someone and walking backwards to this other space and guiding them, and changing your voice as you move. Like all of these things are really excellent tactics to stop all the other nonsense that can come up.Corina Waldie:
Of course. But obviously, it's not super practical as a couple to, let's think about like, how do we actually figure out all of this? Because, you know, obviously, we just want to do broad strokes. Yes, there might be some people that will need specific accommodations, and that's perfectly fine. And I strongly encourage it. But you know, when you're actually thinking about the planning process is how do you actually like, figure out what everybody needs so that you can do that? And I think one of the most powerful ways to do that, especially with your guests, is through the RSVP process, especially more and more with the RSVP wedding website kind of deal. We're not doing drop in the mail. Yeah, you can have a form that people can fill out with, you know, if there are any specific accommodations that they're going to need. You can, if you're doing a paper RSVP, having a line on that RSVP card, for that sort of thing, if necessary. It might be a little bit longer. But I'm can assure you that if you do this, take this one little moment to ask your guests if they need something specific, that's something they're always going to remember. Because there's like that, quote, I believe it's Eleanor Roosevelt, people won't remember what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. And by taking that moment, by caring enough to make that adjustment? I can tell you your wedding is going to be that much more of a better experience for them.Sydney Spidell:
You might learn something about these people too in that process, right? Like, perhaps they've never told you something because you've never asked. And now here you are giving a completely legitimate opportunity for them to share. That can be a pretty cool bonding moment, you know?Corina Waldie:
Absolutely, absolutely. But, you know, at the same time, we obviously got to be super cautious, right, especially with the peanut gallery. You can open yourself up to way too many opinions that can be overwhelming, can be stressful. So, you know, how do you actually manage this? How do you avoid it? And how do you sort through...Sydney Spidell:
Number one, this is going to be a huge surprise to all of you out there. I'm thinking, you come up with a purpose for your wedding,Corina Waldie:
Surprise, surpriseSydney Spidell:
Wild and crazy...Corina Waldie:
Because it's really easy to, if you have that purpose, to come back against somebody who's wanting something, to say, Oh, I'm sorry, that doesn't fit in with our purpose, because here's our purpose. That purpose is super, super powerful. It also can drive themes, it can drive venues, you drive so many other different decisions. It makes every single decision, every single decision, of the hundreds of invitations, hundreds of decisions you make when planning a wedding, it makes all of them that much easier. Because all I have to do is ask yourself the question, Does this fit in with our purpose?Sydney Spidell:
You have your very first tool in every single situation, and it's where you're going to be creating your boundaries from, right? We also talk about boundaries a lot, setting personal boundaries, setting boundaries for yourselves as a couple to navigate the planning process, to navigate the day of, your boundaries are going to come from that purpose. What is the purpose of our wedding? So where do we need to set up these boundaries? Where do we need to enforce them? And where do we need to also remember that setting up a boundary isn't being rude? There are so many, so many pressures on us, societal pressures, to think if I do this, I'm going to offend someone. A boundary is not and cannot be an offensive thing. If you communicate it, clearly and you stick to it, and you welcome other people sharing their boundaries, too. And if you are respectful of those, there is nothing that asserting your own boundary can offend somebody.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, no, absolutely. I think it's when you're having a boundary, and you're putting a boundary into place, there's a certain amount of respect. If a guest also places a boundary saying, "You know what, I don't like loud music. So as soon as the dancing starts, I'm going home." Chances are, that's not personal. It's not that they don't love you any less. It's not that they don't care about you any less...Sydney Spidell:
Probably for the reason that they told you, right?Corina Waldie:
There's nothing wrong with allowing boundaries or understanding that a boundary isn't necessarily something to be taken personally, that it's just saying, This is what I need. This is the boundary. This is, you know it. But also, I think there's also something else to be uber cautious of, like you were saying, with media and how we have, especially in the way that weddings are painted. And the way that, you know, as couples who are planning our weddings, we feel this immense pressure to bow down to others or to, you know, submit to others. And what comes to mind is, you know, like, I'm thinking, like, maybe a good friend, or, actually, no, I have a better example, I'm thinking about a parent. Especially, I know, we've already talked about the insidious in-laws. But when you have that person who might hold something over your head and say, I want this and you owe me, you don't owe anybody anything.Sydney Spidell:
Yeah, yeah. It's your wedding. It's your celebration of your relationship and your love. The only things that matter are the things that have impacted and shaped that. That is it.Corina Waldie:
Exactly. And, you know, I think first off, I think that's it really sucky behaviour when somebody tries to pull something like that.Sydney Spidell:
If somebody is using your wedding to guilt you into something. Don't for a second think that they don't know the power behind that tool. Everyone, everyone should understand that weddings are something that come with a whole lot of baggage. And, yeah, if that's something that you're using, there's a good chance that's a dick move just, yeah, just saying.Corina Waldie:
Yeah. And honestly, you know, I think it's important to remember that there's a very, very big difference between accommodating somebody's needs. There's a very big difference between, you know, setting a boundary and standing up for your purpose. And there's also a very big difference in not being a doormat or letting somebody walk all over you because you think that their opinion should matter more than yours.Sydney Spidell:
And there's always this concept of if we just take this path of less resistance here, then we don't have to deal with this. Except you're opening yourself up to dealing with so many other things when you just give in to something. Keep your boundaries firm where you set them. If you understand that they need to move then shift them but never do so without intention.Corina Waldie:
Absolutely. And Like I said, ultimately, intention is the king here. And intention in being super, super conscious about what you're doing and how you're accommodating people is the ultimate in managing your peanut gallery.Sydney Spidell:
I agree. Well, I think that was it. That was the peanut gallery, folks. So that's the fifth and final member of our drama dynasty. Next time, we are going to do one more stop in this series with Peyton versus Charlie. So we're going to be talking about those couples who differ in how they approach wedding planning, and how they can work as a team leading up to the big day. And we're going to talk about keeping the focus on your relationship so that you come out on the other side of planning, still in love, and still willing to talk to your family.Corina Waldie:
Yeah, definitely. So join the conversation over on Instagram and TikTok @unweddingmovement and share with us any stories that you have of the opinions that you just didn't need, and we can't wait to hear from you. So until next time, cheers.Corina Waldie:
You can find us on the internet at unweddingmovement.com or on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and, Pinterest @unweddingmovement. Our podcast episodes are released weekly and available wherever you like to stream